Thursday, September 6, 2007
kahapon, out of the blue tinanong ako ni mama kung ano daw ang pangarap ko. maraming beses nang beses na naitanong sken to. mostly ng sagot ko EWAN, DI KO ALAM at ang mga walang kakwenta kwentang sagot. pero kahapon iba na ang sagot ko. ang sabi ko gusto kong MAWALA. hindi literal na mawala as in mamatay pero yung pumunta sa isang lugar na walang nakakakilala sa akin. syempre pwede ko rin isagot na "gusto kong mapagaral at mapagtapos si kio sa isang big time na school." or "gusto kong magkapamilya at mgkaroon ng malaking bahay at latest model ng kotse.". dati gusto kong pangarapin na magkapamilya at maging masaya sa buhay may asawa, bahay na malaki, maraming anak at 4 na kotse, pero hindi na ata yun ang gusto ko. onti onti na kasing umiiba ang direction. dati possible pa mangyari yun. pero ngayon 40% na lang ata ang chances. so i've decided na to make another option about my dreams. MY OWN DREAMS. included kasi yung mga taong importante sa mga pangarap ko. pero ngayon si kio nalang ang included. si kio naman ang importante kasi marami pang mangyayari sa buhay niya. and i want the best for him. i think at an early age i become tired of my life. kaya siguro nasabi kong gusto kong mawala. life for me was not easy breazey at i may seem. people think maswerte ako dahil im in a country with many opportunity. my parents can feed and take care of kio and me. pero for me i don't consider myself as sobrang maswerte. i feel empty, so empty. sabi ko nga kay jaine nung one time kaming ngchat. I smile less but i cry alot. minsan out of the blue naiiyak nalang ako. my mood was unpredictable. and sometimes i thing i have bipolar disorder. i really need love and affection. sometime a just a simple hug or just a word that can boost my spirit up. some people try to cheer me up, pero hindi parin ako maging ok. maybe i can never be ok. kaya siguro gusto kong mawala. i want to be in a place na wala akong kilala, i want to start my life all over again. in my world now all i can do is to expect. maybe when my dream came true (mga 20 yrs pa after kio's schooling) i hope i can be happy and free from sadness.
