Hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahan dahil hindi ako natuwa sa mga sinabi mo sa akin. parang pakiramdam ko kasi talagang ang panget ng ugali ko. nagiilusyon lang pala ako na mahal mo talaga ako pero hindi mo talaga ako mahal. kung mahal mo kasi ang tao tatanggapin mo ang mga flaws niya, pero you're trying to change me. kung hindi mo ma-gets kung bakit ako ganon pag nakikipag away kung bkt ako pansamantalang umaalis kasi nagpapalamig ako. kung ikw gusto mong ayusin agad, hindi ako ganon katulad mo. kung gusto mo mas maganda mong gawin mag hanap ka nalang ng taong ganon. lam mo ba kung gaano ako nasaktan sa mga nasabi mo kagabi, SOBRA SOBRA. prang tingin ko tuloy sa sarili ko na panget yung ugali ko at ung buong pagkatao ko. lalo na coming from you ung mga words na yun. hindi ko na kayang magilusyon na ikaw mahal mo ko dahil tanggap mo talaga ako. pero narealize ko na hindi talaga ganon. galit na galit ako sayo. akala ko kakampi kita. akala ko pag tinalikuran ako ng buong mundo andyan ka lang para saken. hindi pala. isa ka din pala sa mga kritiko ko. kung sinasabi mo yan para sa ikabubuti ko sa tingin ko lalo pa siyang nakasama saken. lalo na tlga akong natakot sa mundo. imbes na i uplift mo yung spirit ko, imbes na sbihin mo kahit papaano yung mga magaganda ugali ko na hindi nakikita ng tao hindi mo magawa. kaya nasasaktan ako kasi sobrang unfair. ako ganon ako sau. mas minahal ko yung mga flaws mo. mas inuna ko tingnan ang negative sau kaysa sa positive side mo. sa totoo lang ang hirap hirap mo mahalin. lalo lang ako nalulungkot. tapos nung sinabi mo pa na kaya gsto mong baguhin yung ganong ugali ko dahil lalaki rin si kio ayaw mo takbuhan ko. kung tumakbo ako sana matagal ko ng ginawa yun. nung umuwi ako dyn sa pilipinas sa totoo lang ayoko ng bumalik dito. mas gusto ko ng makasama ka. kaso mas inisip ko pa din na may batang naghihintay saken. hindi ko tatakbuhan kung ano man ang maging problema ni kio kasi flesh and blood ko si kio. mahirap matiis. parang kasi ang dating sken magiging masama ako ina para sau kaya sobrang sakit. hindi pala talaga kita kakampi. ayoko na talaga. nakakapagod ka. ang sasakit pa ng salita mo. akala ko maiintindihan mo ko. hindi pala. at kailanman hindi mo ko kayang mahalin kung sino talaga ako at hindi mo ko kyang intindihin.
10:16 AM
Friday, September 21, 2007
i want to go to another place. it's oh so boring here in singawhore. we're almost more than a year and God it still sucks. i really don't care if still i don't have friendly friends. of course i can't go out that much because i have a son to look after. Same sights everyday. It seems like I'm not growing or evolving into something better. Same shit everyday. I don't want to go back to the Philippines. I just want to move out of this country. But still I have to sacrife! Sacrife and sacrifice.
8:49 AM
Thursday, September 20, 2007
super nostaligic talaga! parang gusto kong bumalik bigla sa pagkabata ko nung napanood ko to! lahat ata ng nasayaw nila sinasayaw ko noon. binilhan pa nga ako ng mama ko ng album ng universal motion dancers noon. uso kasi ang butterfly dance noon. tapos pag sumasayaw naman ang streetboys hinihinto namen ang mga ginagawa namin para lang manood. habang pinapanood ko to nung sunday sa asap sumasayaw ako. kasi alam ko pa din yung mga steps. pinaka favorite ko ung "tootsie roll". malamang kung di mo alam kung ano ang pinagsasabi ko eh bata ka pa noon o kaya pinagplaplanuhan ka palang gawin ng magulang mo noon. nostalgic talaga. time warp talaga. sana bata ulit ako.
4:05 PM
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I've changed my mind, I will not change our picture in our multiply account. Even if we're not together as boyfriend/girlfriend still we are family. And I will not change my password in my friendster account.
8:49 AM
Monday, September 17, 2007
All i can say to you now is goodbye and take care of yourself. maybe you're right. sorry for all the wrong things i've done. all the mistakes. but i hope you'll also remember all the good things we've shared together. all the fun and the laughter. you'll always be a part of me. and from now on i promise myself that i won't shed another tear for you. after more than 2 years of being together and a kid after this is what we've become. we've come a long way and maybe you're right to end this relationship. maybe someday we'll be back together or if that doesn't happen you might find someone to be with you. but still i'll always be here for you as a mother of your child and a friend. as for me, life still goes on. and i'll try to live my dream without you. our talk this afternoon was the go signal for me to accept the fact that you don't need me as much as i need you. so maybe it's better also for me to do the same thing that you are doing. just forget and do somethings that are much important than our relationship. so here's where our story ends. always remember that i love you from the moment that we broke up. until now as i write this post. and maybe only time can tell if im totally over you. step by step im removing you out of my system. my final words for you.
I LOVE YOU BEE AND I WILL MISS YOU FOR SURE. TAKE CARE.
8:49 PM
ben kweller song thirteen makes my heart beats fast. even if im not in-love, i makes me feel in-love. Thirteen is song for his girlfriend. Hope someone will do the same for me. Honestly the song reminds me of jego.
11:44 AM
Saturday, September 15, 2007
napanood ko yung video ng TEENAGE HERO sa youtube. Ilang months ko na din hinahanap yun. May special appearance pa sina earl,jepoi at kito. Super laughtrip tlga.. hahahaha
9:00 AM
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
parang tinatamad na ko umuwi ng pilipinas.. nakakatamad umuwi kasi wala rin naman kwenta.. kung di lang magbibirthday at bibinyan si kio di nalang talaga kami uuwi..
9:02 PM
AM I TOO DEPRESSED?!
8:12 PM
Monday, September 10, 2007
i was browising some friends sa friendster at meron akong nakitang profile na biglang nagpawala ng galit ko! dapat open letter ang gagawin kong post pero nung nakita ko nga tong profile na to bigla nalang akong napangit at napatawa habang binabasa ko yung profile niya. Ang tinutukoy kong profile eh yung sa younger brother ni dustin, si CHUDANG. nickname niya lang yun. DILWIN talaga ang name niya. habang binabasa ko ang profile niya napa reminisce ako bigla. nakakatuwa kasi siya. promise natutuwa ako sa kanya kahit yung kapatid niya eh medyo nakukupalan sa kanya minsan.
habang binabasa ko ang profile niya parang feeling ko ang lakas ng impluwensya namen ni dustin sa kanya. execpt the "emo" thing. emo na daw kasi siya. (ayon sa profile niya, occupation niya daw yun. hehehe) tapos yung sa favorite movies niya yung SCHOOL OF ROCK. yun talaga alam kong favorite niya yun. ilang beses na namen napanood yun. kabisado niya na rin yung mga steps at kanta. buti di nia nilagay ang POWER RANGERS. favorite niya all branches of rock tpos may isa pang matinding "ROCK ON"! hehehe (nakakamiss si chudang solid!). Pero yung about me talaga ang panalo! obsessed siya sa HIM, TENACIOUS D, WHEATUS, MY CHEM, AT AFI! panalo diba?! mostly impluwensya ng kuya niya, execpt yung my chemical romance. hahaha. speaking of TENACIOUS D parehas sila ni dustin na favorite yung WONDERBOY ng TENACIOUS D. who i want to meet niya: people with great sense of humor, utuda hikaru (i love her also!) all rock bands and eto ang pinaka da best sa lahat TATTOO ARTIST! Chudang is barely 13 ata. nakikita niya kasi smen ni dustin yung mga tattoo namen. tpos sa blog niya parang article for PETA! nakakatuwa talaga. bigla ko talagang namiss si chudang. yung mga trip nmen dlawa nung tumira ako sa kanila. :
~yung mga food trip namen dalawa. pag tulog pa si dustin tpos gutom na ko tpos gutom na din siya kakain kmi or kaya merienda ksi tinatamad si dustin samahan ako. ~yung food trip kila kito. yung magluluto kmi kila kits ng mga pagkain sa knila. sobrang kaming tatlo ang umuubos ata ng ginrocery nila. ~mga ipod moments. ~yung bike niya. ~pag pupunta kami dun sa may simbahan para bumili tapos aasarin siya nung mga tao dun sasabhin na girlfriend nia ko tpos sasabihin nia "hindi girlfriend to ng kuya ko" ~yung time na gustong gusto niya mgpa henna kaso di siya pinayagan. ~yung time na nagswimming kmi sa condo ng tita ni kito kaso hindi ulit siya pinayagan. ~pag nananood kmi ng power rangers. ~nung pinakita nia sken ung mga baby pix ni dustin. mas cute nga si chudang noon. ~ung kerokeropi na wallet na gift niya sken. ~pag ginagaya niya yung porma ng kuya nia. ~pag magkatabi sila matulog ng kuya niya ang cute lang nila tingnan. hehehe.. ~pag nag gaganon kmi tpos gumalaw lang ng onti si chudang prang minsan ayoko na ituloy..
bsta sobrang nakakamiss tlga yun batang yun. kahit papaano nung nakasma ko siya na feel ko kung pano maging isang "ate". i miss you dilwin gabriel mallari santos! (galing ko noh. kabisado ko real name mo! hehe kung mababasa mo toh!)
7:51 AM
Sunday, September 9, 2007
HAPPY BERHDAY MARIAN YVORIE CONTRERAS
and here's pig destroyer to you because i know you love them! i remember highschool days! hahaha! miss you daga! i love you!
4:13 PM
Friday, September 7, 2007
the shuffle game.. pero i don't have my ipod na.. pwede naman i shuffle ang songs sa psp.. kaya game..
~How are you feeling today?- PERFECT DAY-lou reed (" Just a perfect day,You made me forget myself" )
~Will you get far in life? REBEL GIRL-bikini kill (still im a rebel girl. hahaha.hanggang tumanda ako)
~How do your friends see you? DOVE-moony ("She's a white dove, an angel in disguise… " im a f*ckin angel man! hahaha)
~Will you get married? WHAT'S ANOTHER DAY-maria mena ("I know better than to include the both of us.But I can't sleep when you're gone and you say,"What's another day?" when we're already getting use to gray." pending pa na ikasal ako! hahaha.. ksi sad love song ang lumabas.)
~What is your best friend's theme song? YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME-tegan and sara ("I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me" but they like me.. hahaha wrong song)
~What is the story of your life? SIMPLE KIND OF LIFE-no doubt ("And all I wanted was the simple thingsA simple kind of lifeAnd all I needed was a simple manSo I could be a wife" too desperate for love.. hahaha)
~What was high school like? SOUL SEARCHING-urbandub (i was really doing some soul searching that time.. kaya i was always absent.. hahaha)
~How can you get ahead in life? PARAISO-smokey mountain ("im gonna make a stand and make the world understand! hahaha)
~What is the best thing about your friends? PASS THE DUTCHIE-musical youth ("vices my friends, vices! hahaha)
~What is today going to be like? MAKE YOU SMILE-+44 (or make ME smile..)
~What is in store for you this week? SHE KEEPS HOPING-acid house kings ("will i still keep on hoping?")
~What song describes you? BETTER VERSION OF ME-fiona apple ("I'm a frightened, fickle personFighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'What can I do" "Ooooh mister wait until you seeWhat I'm gonna be")
~To describe your grandparents? ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (pero isa pa lang ang patay)
~How is your life going? WALANG NANGYAYARI DITO-kulay (same shit everyday!)
~What song will they play at your funeral? FOR ME THIS IS HEAVEN-jimmy eat world ("Close my eyes and believe whereveryou are, an angel for me." im gonna be an angel!)
~How does the world see you? I WANT TO BE EVIL-eartha kitt ("I wanna be evil, I wanna hurt flies I wanna sing songs like the guy who criesI wanna be horrid, I wanna drink booze(I want to be horrid, I want to make news)*And whatever I've got I'm eager to lose" but im evil already! the world see me as an evil person!)
~Will you have a happy life? BANANA PANCAKES-jack johnson (this is a happy song, i hope so maging happy in life din ako..)
~What do your friends really think of you? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED-less than jake (i want to be free)
~Do people secretly lust after you? COIN OPERATED BOY-the dresden dolls ("coin operated boy sitting on the shelf he is just a toybut i turn him on and he comes to life automatic joy that is why i want a coin operated boy" i don't know if they lust after me! hahaha)
~How can I make myself happy? LIVING AFTER MIDNIGHT-the donnas (PARTY! and FUN!)
~What should you do with your life? MISS YOU LOVE- maria mena ("I know the distance is a factorbut I stretch as often as I canmy goal's to reach your hands any day nowplease don't blame me for tryingto fix this one last timeI have a hard time as it is" bakit etong kanta pa.. parang isa siyang sign. sign na kelangan ako gumawa ng move para smen.. kainis! )
~Will you ever have children? BANG-yeah yeah yeahs ("as a fuck son, you suck" but my son is not fuck! hahaha)
2:39 PM
Thursday, September 6, 2007
kahapon, out of the blue tinanong ako ni mama kung ano daw ang pangarap ko. maraming beses nang beses na naitanong sken to. mostly ng sagot ko EWAN, DI KO ALAM at ang mga walang kakwenta kwentang sagot. pero kahapon iba na ang sagot ko. ang sabi ko gusto kong MAWALA. hindi literal na mawala as in mamatay pero yung pumunta sa isang lugar na walang nakakakilala sa akin. syempre pwede ko rin isagot na "gusto kong mapagaral at mapagtapos si kio sa isang big time na school." or "gusto kong magkapamilya at mgkaroon ng malaking bahay at latest model ng kotse.". dati gusto kong pangarapin na magkapamilya at maging masaya sa buhay may asawa, bahay na malaki, maraming anak at 4 na kotse, pero hindi na ata yun ang gusto ko. onti onti na kasing umiiba ang direction. dati possible pa mangyari yun. pero ngayon 40% na lang ata ang chances. so i've decided na to make another option about my dreams. MY OWN DREAMS. included kasi yung mga taong importante sa mga pangarap ko. pero ngayon si kio nalang ang included. si kio naman ang importante kasi marami pang mangyayari sa buhay niya. and i want the best for him. i think at an early age i become tired of my life. kaya siguro nasabi kong gusto kong mawala. life for me was not easy breazey at i may seem. people think maswerte ako dahil im in a country with many opportunity. my parents can feed and take care of kio and me. pero for me i don't consider myself as sobrang maswerte. i feel empty, so empty. sabi ko nga kay jaine nung one time kaming ngchat. I smile less but i cry alot. minsan out of the blue naiiyak nalang ako. my mood was unpredictable. and sometimes i thing i have bipolar disorder. i really need love and affection. sometime a just a simple hug or just a word that can boost my spirit up. some people try to cheer me up, pero hindi parin ako maging ok. maybe i can never be ok. kaya siguro gusto kong mawala. i want to be in a place na wala akong kilala, i want to start my life all over again. in my world now all i can do is to expect. maybe when my dream came true (mga 20 yrs pa after kio's schooling) i hope i can be happy and free from sadness.
9:08 AM
Monday, September 3, 2007
"bee im ready to be heartbroken"
original title niyan "lloyd, im ready to be heartbroken". ang bagay kasi saken ung title kaya pinalitan ko ng BEE. kaya ko naman tlga na post yung shoutout ko na yun sa friendster ay dahil im starting to lose hope. im losing hope na hindi na talaga kami magkakabalikan pa sa ngayon. ayoko na kasi ako yung gagawa ng move na maging ok ang lahat. oo nga at ako ang nakipaghiwalay, pero hinayaan lang ako na mawala. he just let me slip away. does it mean na ok na wala ako sa buhay niya? siguro nga. masyado lang ata akong nageexpect na babalikan niya ko. na sasabihin nia ko na ayaw niya akong mawala sa buhay nia. na isa ako sa dahilan kung bakit siya nabubuhay. unrealistic diba. parang it only appears in fairytales. pero i want to feel special. i want to be loved. his sweetness is my weakness pero ang damot saken ng pag-ibig. it seems the universe hates me. sabi nga sa libro ni jessica zafra na The chicken pox for the soul, "assume nothing". so maybe I'll start assuming nothing.
3:00 PM
im starting to miss the word FUN.
2:54 PM
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Im currently addicted to MARIA MENA! Subrang galing niya!!! Lalo na yung kanta niyang MISS YOU LOVE. Subrang tugma kasi sa sitwasyon ko.
I REALLY MISS YOU
I've run out of complicated theories So now I'm taking back my words and I'm preparing for the breakdown Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you and the bathroom's still a mess remind me why we decided this was for the best
Because I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love..
I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can my goal's to reach your hands any day now please don't blame me for trying to fix this one last time I have a hard time as it is
Because I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love
Don't act like you don't know me It's still me I've never changed I'll be here when you come back
and I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love..
